Sunday 15 September 2013

Catching up on one year of life - Part 2: Abandoning the bucket list

So here I am, in my new house, still painting walls, and moaning at times about stuff in boxes that stays elusive despite my efforts to label and remember, yet feeling settled and with a rudimentary routine established. What now?

I am used to having plans, it is nice to have something to grit my teeth into, and to feel accomplished once it is done. I always thought, that having this thing they call 'a bucket list', would make me feel alive, spur me on, and give life a purpose. It surely was useful when I felt a bit in a rut. Having a plan is a good kick in the rear; following through adds a few body chemicals, which want me to do more of the same. Accomplishment is a good drug  against all sorts of fears and worries.

However, when I wrote the previous post and read through the old bucket list, I realised: There is nothing scary left that life could throw at me. I separated from a husband, moved house on my own, selling and buying, managing all the stuff I used to hate from gas to water and whatever accounts one has to have, I found the love of my life and lost it again, I found new friends, and I attend to new hobbies. As a matter of fact I changed my entire lifestyle and value system. Since I am riding a bike I even made my peace with fears about injuries and death. My initial worries that I may lose a friend in an accident have calmed. I was not any better than my non-biker friends and family who warn and worry ever so often. I needed some time to acknowledge that injury and loss are part of life, and not mine to worry about. Another month however, and my latest will and testament will be legal; I have worked too hard to know what I really want and to understand it all, to not take care of my last wishes.

Even the small things are taken care of now. I always had a linking for goth and over-the-top clothes, which I mainly used for photo shoots as otherwise they would cause quite a bit of embarrassment. Now they have found a new home in the biker scene. When I furnished my house I ended up with decorations I never thought I would choose. Apparently I have a completely different taste to what I thought - well, a lot of my taste seemed to have been inspired by fashion and social convention. Being able to show off status was important, to fit in, to belong...

With my worst nightmares being lived through already and the wish for 'belonging' out of the way, this woman can go as bonkers as much as she likes; no need for a bucket list anymore. The world is my oyster!

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