I live on my own, in my new environment, for about half a year now and my life has fundamentally changed. The main thing is that I do not have this trusted partner anymore, who allowed me to steam off and to work through things by talking about it. After 50 years of learning how to communicate and not to bottle up, I now am bottling up a lot, and at times I feel I am suffocating. It's not the big issues of life, that bother me; I still have my good old trusted friends to help me through those. It's the little annoying bits of life, which at times hit the essence of me: Don't talk to loud, don't say this, don't do it this way,... don't wear this, don't talk about it... stay the same but different... basically....
I know that it is normal to be criticised on small things, we all get it and funnily enough we get it most from people who we care for, and who care for us. They are the ones who can feel embarrassed by us and they are the ones who think they do us good in guiding us into a better direction. If they however criticise the things that hit my inner me, then it hurts. The first instinct is to resolve this pain by trying to make them understand, but wile for me the matter is important for them it's just a tiny thing, not worth mentioning anymore; suck it up Rika. Every further attempt from my side results in even more annoyance. I know that I cannot change them, but that I can try to find my own reasonable standpoint that makes the pain go away. This is what I trained myself to achieve over the last ten years and I became quite good at it. But now I am missing my sounding board, the person who knows me inside out, and understands that I don't want advice but need to be able to reflect.
I do have a few nice new friends, but one might not want to overstretch those new friendships. And they don't know me well yet, they don't entirely understand my trail of thought. Now I have a new plan: instead of resolving after the incident the way forward is to avoid it. I shall try to lay my heart on the table, telling everybody where my limits are, what hurts me and what doesn't.
People might read or not read. People might use it against me, for me or for themselves. But at least I cannot be blamed for being too difficult, too much, too little... You will get what it says on the tin, and I will be braced for the good and the bad.
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I am like an airbed
I am like an airbed; I am a safe bed to rest on, warm and cosy. If you choose to lie on me you won’t have to worry about anything anymore.
Just get me excited about anything and I inflate. I will achieve things for you I myself wouldn’t have thought able doing. I reach for the stars and I jump over the moon for you. If you trust this good old bed and let it do its work, it will give you more comfort than you ever thought you would have.
You need to know that I am old style of airbed, though. I was made that way; it is part of my essence. I do not have an inlet valve.
At times you might feel that I am a bit too bouncy, a bit too hard, and a bit annoying, really; you might think about opening that inlet to vent a bit of steam. I tell you now, so you know what you are about to do: No matter how quickly you close it again, you quite likely will deflate me. I won’t be able to reach the stars anymore, and the moon will stand much too high. All my energy will go into juggling that bit of air left to not lose your trust and to still keep you safe, while trying to pump myself up again. And I am worried that I might not gain back that bounce that lets me pick the stars for you.
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